Olaf Breuning

Manhattan, 2011

O. bought this black sardine box on eBay.

You heard right – while searching for a sex doll for his latest installation, he got distracted and bought a Mercedes Benz.

“How do you sit down at your computer to buy a sex doll and end up with a German luxury automobile?” I asked.

“I got the sex doll too,” he said, like it was the dumbest question on Earth.

Apparently, eBay makes a special offer when you buy a Mercedes and a sex doll together.  

“Of course they do… who doesn’t buy those 2 items together?” I thought.

“But why this Mercedes?” I asked. “Looks like an icebox on wheels.”

“I like the straight lines… the clean edges… it’s a design icon,” he said. “And I think Keanu Reeves has one.”

I pointed out that some very sweet people throughout history also appreciated its straight lines… clean edges… and iconic status. Charming personalities like – Hitler, Mussolini, Kim Jong-un, and the Pope.

You’ll find archival film footage at the British Museum of Kim Jong-un in his shiny Mercedes G-Class, surrounded by men in black suits with revolvers.

O. arranged to pick up his eBay purchase at a depressing gas station in New Jersey, near the airport, from a mafioso.

We pulled into the gas station and his eyes lit up.

“There she is!” he said, frothing at the mouth.

Before I could say anything, he said, “I know, I know… you think it’s for dictators… assholes and mass murderers… but I don’t give a shit.”

“Then we are in agreement?” I said.

But he was in love. Head over heels.

And that love lasted until a few months ago… when O. traded her in for… you guessed it… a Tesla.

The other day, I asked O. how life was without his dictator-mobile.

It’s been a hard adjustment, he admitted. Really hard. People treat him differently on the road. 

“In the G-Class, people knew you were an asshole… they stayed away. Now they just look at me with pity… like I’m some pathetic loser that just wants to save the planet.”

I asked him if he could live with that.

“I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head. “I just don’t know.”

Brian Kerstetter